You guys, I am a big, fat sucker for watches that make people question whether I am a real female or a fabulous transvestite. Spoiler alert: I’m both.

One trend that will always have a special place in my black little heart: the piled on accessories look. There’s no such thing as too many accessories. If the number of accessories you’re wearing outnumbers the number of bones in your body…you still don’t have on enough. Stretch for an amount closer to the number of cells in your body. That should do the trick.

I’m not really the biggest jewelry fan you will ever meet, but lately I’ve had an obssession with cuffs. I see them everywhere and I just want a pair so I can deflect bullets and stand in the middle of traffic and stop cars. You know. With my cuffs. It’s always been a dream of mine for sometime to finally come out of the closet to the world, so I’ll just it right here. Everyone, I’m Wonderwoman.

Her necklace is making a statement. It’s saying “Make me yours.” And if I see this woman on an empty street after dark somewhere. I will do just that.

Speaking of jewelry. Thick gold chains aren’t just for hip hop moguls with mad hos anymore. Now, they’re for anyone who wants mad hos. People like you. This video teaches you just how to layer jewelry. Done chic. Done right.

Do you like jewelry? Do you like Daria? Do you like jewelry made by Daria?

No, not that Daria. Although the sales of bracelets made completely out of withering sarcasm and pessimism would sky rocket through the roof.

That was…withering sarcasm and pessimism.

That neck cuff, though. Jewelry’s newest trend plays up on the fashion world’s thirst for mystery. Is she an indentured servant or isn’t she? Who knows? It’s all part of the mystery. 

If someone tells me where I can find some gold cuffs like these, I might not marry you or give you anything, but I will like you very hard from a distance and pant heavily at the sound of your name. Which would put you up there with most of my crushes.

Who doesn’t love Pamela Love? All of you. And if you don’t then have fun living in a cold rainy world where everything is made of ash and there are no apple pies. That’s where they’ll send you if you don’t love Pamela Love…so…if I were you I would keep it under wraps.

I’m not too big on jewelry. Probably because whenever I take my jewelry off, I put it down on the desk and then my desk sucks it up into an alternate universe and I never see or hear from it again. Not even a postcard. This chain bracelet has got me breathing heavily, though.

Although that could also be because I just ate a whole bunch of food and then tried walking to my computer chair…